The officials at Ky Hoa certainly were in the Halloween spirit this weekend providing us with a particularly gruesome specimen of a referee, a withered wrinkled bag of leather filled with bones, a horrifying voice shredded by 50 years of smoking and shouting at other Vietnamese men and a chilling interpretation of the game of football. Thankfully this was just a friendly for Raiders, a baking Saturday afternoon jaunt to District 10. The hardcore were present as usual, with the powder puff brigade finding their excuses for getting their pedicures done.

 

We had drafted in Alex for his first match and a tourist named Sebastian (who seemed a bit baffled by the whole event) and Ky Hoa loiterer extraordinaire Mr Vu.  Bao was back, and after explaining how well his rape whistle worked in India, and how he was considered a bit odd because he is left handed and therefore ate with his bum wiping hand, slotted back in to the defense at left back. Greennow, now safely back on dry land, rode to the rescue to partner Daniel G in the center, and Rasul was also back in at right back. Sascha, Jon and Olly made up the second tier of pine needles on the Christmas tree, Alex and Sebastian the next tier and Craig was the fairy on top. Luke McD became the first Raider to come off during the game for a number 2 thanks to a dodgy Thai meal the night before, but at least he didn’t do a Lineker.

The first half began at an incredibly slow pace showing that no one could be bothered to charge about too much in that sun. However, it also became apparent that the opposition were quite, quite shit. The goals started flowing, as Alex charged down their lethargic keeper/defense to deflect a pathetic clearance into the net. Hoff was then set up by Sebastian to slot into an empty net. 2-0. The opposition were playing the most bizarre line, holding on halfway but somehow giving us acres of space within their own half. This meant that the ball over the top took on a new meaning. It was after about 15 offsides (mostly not offside) trying to do this that Hoff decided to try and skip through the line himself from halfway and proceeded to have a running battle with a defender all over his back and shirt the whole way to the box, hanging on to finish bottom left. It was not too much later that he was through again after a (this time) successful ball over the top from Olly and another chase with orange socks, this time slotting the ball between the keepers legs for his first Raiders hatrick.  In between those goals Sascha had notched one with a shot from outside the box, again after Raiders had beaten their “offside trap” and Sebastian added number 6 before half time, winning a battle in the box and poking  into (another) empty net. A goal was conceded at the other end too, Vu getting lobbed  for a halftime score of 6-1.

During the break there were serious shouts of calling the game off and going to the pool to drink beer. The sun had gotten to Raiders heads. Total meltdown ensued at the start of the second half with by all accounts three or four goals conceded in about 7 minutes. This prompted a verbal inquiry between Greenow, Rasul and Bao about our own line! However, the sunstroke wore off and Raiders were back in the ascendancy, despite the demented referee who was probably having flashbacks of some horrific memories from some point in his life. There were chances a plenty. Olly blasted over the bar from inside the box, then broke the line again and this time rounded the keeper to score, later in the half ‘intercepting’ a Halloween show of a free kick from the opposition defender which landed straight at his feet but was again dispatched into the trees behind the goal. Armitt had a chance but was ‘too tired’ to control the ball in the box, I think by this stage due to the heat and multiple hangovers the collective legs were feeling like tree trunks. However we battled on heroically (cough) and Alex scored a second on his debut after again bullying keeper and defender.

The final score is an educated guess. Raiders definitely 8, Team in most need of a coach ever 4?

Good luck to the squad going to Manila, bring me home a suntan and a bag of brown lumpy things.