Author: Craig Armitt

This may be the first tournament in which there was almost more drama before we arrived then during the actual weekend. It all started in the week leading up to the event with everyone gradually becoming aware of Typhoon Haiyan. Then on Friday morning Craig was sat at Olly’s gaff when the call came in from Luke McD…. “The flights been cancelled. We need to call everyone.” The news was taken in very different ways, Craig and Olly attempted a spontaneous joint world record attempt at the most swear words in 30 seconds, Tim was very philosophical saying that our conscience may have struggled with drinking and looking at boobs whilst people were dying whilst Vincent gave a simple ‘Ok.’ 30 minutes of stunned devastation….. it was whilst Craig and Olly were looking up last minute flights to Bangkok that the second call came through, “There’s been a mistake the flight is on!” All systems go. Calls were made and with 2 hours till our flight everyone rushed to the airport. Once there it became quickly apparent why Luke may have given such mis-leading information…he was battered. Due to his fear of flying he had been drinking all morning and was now happily singing Raiders chants at Burger King.

There was still time for more drama as Craig received this SMS from Vincent: ‘I fell asleep. I hope I still make the flight.’ An hour and fifteen minutes before the flight. So from a squad of 11 we were down to 7 people, no subs in Manila. Oh god, we’re as fucked as United without Ferguson (not that fucked then? – ed). Finally Vincent arrived to cheers and we were on the plane. Needless to say we eased Luke’s fear of flying by calling our mums to say goodbye, discussing the typhoon and asking if he had up to date dental records so his body could be identified.

Upon arrival and after a quick shower the Raiders hit the town for the usual round of entertainment. Helped by the local Steve Merchant, who couldn’t believe his luck when we got him a free drinks stamp, we started at the official welcome party where we met the organisers and a few members of the other teams before heading off on our own. During a visit to a museum Vincent showed everyone how it’s done busting out some trademark moves on the dance floor impressing the local all girls school who were there to see the new exhibits. It was whilst we were in a very entertaining art gallery that the Mr Joe ‘Huge Head’ Dawson showed up in his natural habitat. Much celebrating later we were in a taxi on the way to a club when we suffered our first casualty of the night. Tim was bundled out of the taxi just in time to make a Jackson Pollock painting live in the middle of a fly over.

Once at the club Nico and Vincent decided to negotiate for what felt like an hour until we headed in feeling like big dogs having secured two bottles of vodka and a table…..which was tiny and at the back. To make matters worse all the hot girls were in a VIP area we were barred from entering. From here on in it was every man for himself. Fortunately the schedule had been moved back to 1:30pm on Saturday otherwise the Raiders may have struggled to make their first game. As it was, only Luke failed to get a good breakfast having slept in following his 24 hour drinking session. Once there and the sun came out it began to dawn on us that we had a small squad.

Representing the Raiders were:

Anthony ‘Dirty’ Roberti – Recently gave up coffee which has lead to a sharp increase in yellow and red cards along with other deviant behaviour. As much a danger to the underage female population of Manila as winger’s legs. Special move: The 7 ft slide tackle. Forced to go in goal following Angelo’s injury.

Craig ‘Postman’ Armitt – Known for the surprising combination of slow motion runs with hard bullet shots. On a big pitch he barely makes it into the zone, but in a 6 a side he’s a serious contender for tournament top scorer. Involved in the club management by taking care of cheerleader applications, with no less than three preparation trips preceding this tournament. Will show up late for his plane home because of a last minute interview.

Daniel ‘Aryan Master Race’ Breustedt – Hard as nails on the pitch, camp as Freddie Mercury on the dance floor. The third reich poster boy is on his first tour with the Raiders and judging by his performances on the dance floor in Saigon it’s going to be a classic. He will be the only one wearing the official brown cap in Republic.

Luke ‘Spiderman’ McDonnell – Newly installed committee member who is taking time out from filming Spiderman 2. Has stated that he will perform his now infamous Spiderman Shot for anyone who asks to see it so make sure you find him at the bar.

Olly ‘The Mutant’ Dowden – Bred in a special government facility using the machine from the film ‘The Fly’ to combine a cockney with a gorilla he has been released for the 2013/14 season and has already had an impact. Unfortunately Darren Anderton also seems to have snuck into the machine and cursed him with brittle bones.

Niko ‘The Model’ Greeves – Bag model, singer song writer, committee member and star player. There is nothing this guy can’t do. The Belgian has already terrorised defences this season in Vietnam. Unfortunately he struggles in the heat and needs constant pit stops. Watch out for shit celebrations including possible exposure of a surprisingly average body.

Tim ‘Daddy’ Bishop – Another new recruit who despite suffering an horrific finger fracture in training has dragged his almost lifeless body onto the plane. First tour and first time in Manila…what could go wrong? Just don’t do anything Anthony WOULD do.

Vincent ‘Diesel’ Coker – The love child of John Coffee and Vin Diesel returns to terrify tiny Philippinos. The mission to finally get him drunk continues after last seasons wash out. There are rumours a taser might have to be involved this year. When combined with Juggernaut could seriously be a health risk for the opposition.

The Raiders decided to line up with a 2-3-1 formation with Anthony in goal, Daniel and Luke at the back, Craig, Olly and Tim in the middle and Nico upfront….it was only when we lined up for the first game full of confidence that the other team pointed out we had too many players on the pitch. Shit. It was 6-a-side not 7. All our pre match planning out the window. Craig and Olly shuffled into midfield and the already large pitch seemed to expand before our eyes. The Raiders however rose to the challenge dominating the first game and riding out comfortable winners with goals from Olly, Nico and Tim (first for the Raiders) beating Hibernian FC 3-1. Between games we decided to ‘improve’ Anthony’s goalkeeping by blasting balls at him unexpectedly throughout the day. Whilst this left him a nervous wreck it was effective as he was excellent in goal all weekend.

The second game saw us face a youthful team of locals. It was a tight game but their superior fitness, seemingly limitless subs and one defensive mistake saw the Raiders lose 1-0. After the game we argued about which one of them we would’ve kicked hardest if we could’ve got near them. The third game saw us play the Taipei Badgers a team we had beaten 8-0 last year. Pre-game the Raiders were talking up their chances and a lot of (needless) pressure was placed upon Craig to score. However this time the Badgers weren’t so drunk and the Raiders were starting to feel the combination of heat and sleep deprivation. The game was physical and ended up 2-0 to the Raiders, it should’ve been more but heavy legs led to some poor final balls (Olly). Daniel had a free kick which he blasted over in trademark fashion almost causing India to abort their mission to Mars. This lead to a debate as to whether he had ever had a free kick on target, which turned into an ongoing joke about how many satellites he had created (sorry Daniel).

Heading into the final game of the day exhausted and dehydrated the Raiders new the result would go a long way to deciding if they took part in the cup or the plate the next day. Needless to say we took the game very seriously and warmed up appropriately…….

The game cruelly exposed our lack of substitutes with the opposition Hong Kong Squadron showing no mercy. Olly ‘PMS’ Dowden had a ‘headache’ and initially refused to play until Armitt was so disgusted he dragged his mutant body into action. We were chasing shadows for most of the game and despite some Roberti heroics and his best screaming Angelo impression when we conceded we ended up losing 4-0 with everyone agreeing it was a game too far. We trudged home and after a quick shower and meal headed out again. Vincent took a rain check and got an early night whilst everyone else mumbled about “maybe not drinking too late tonight.” We found ourselves in a bar tired and unmotivated until the tequila shots came out….it goes to show all you need is a group of guys, shots and drinking games to have a good night. Craig was almost an early casualty as he began having a whitey despite not taking any drugs (that I’m aware of) having to be escorted by Luke round the corner to vomit up his one meal of the day. But he was soon back and ready for more drinking games. Quickly earning the name (I gave it to myself) ‘Wizard’ at the cup finger game as he guessed correctly in the first or second round each time. The same couldn’t be said for Daniel and Luke who seemed to be having a competition to determine who was least competent. Around 50 shots later and a $250 bar bill we were ready for action. Unfortunately we had turned into ‘those guys’ with Anthony in particular being very; how shall I put it…’American’. The Taliban were referenced multiple times (don’t ask).

So it was we found ourselves treated to the bizarre site of Nico giving it 110% on a strippers pole, he was genuinely trying to be sexy despite earlier struggling to get from the table to the toilet without falling over. He was followed on the pole by Daniel who tested its tensile strength to the limit. One pissed off art gallery later we headed to the Greenbelt and the night gets hazy.

The next day everyone was woken by the sound of Nico banging on their door frantically; this didn’t disappear no matter how much you ignored it. After taking some time to lie in bed and visualise Nico being castrated we dragged ourselves to the car and realised the German was missing (oh the irony). Turns out Nico had knocked on the wrong door….so we were now in serious danger of missing our first game and forfeiting. We arrived as the game was due to kick off and had to rush onto the pitch without any warm up. Craig in particular was a mess being unable to contribute much due to exhaustion. The opposition, Nomads Rejects, would have been a tough prospect if we were fresh, as it was they picked us off easily. Some of the Raiders (Luke) were clearly still under the influence which amused the spectators as he had the heart but not the co-ordination. The highlight of the game was when one of their players did a back heel whilst Nico was marking him from behind, Nico went into diva overdrive insisting that it was a foul and banned in Belgium. Even the Raiders looked bemused as he vented his rage at the referee. We lost 5-0 in a particularly sobering experience and were into the plate competition.

Our first game was again the Boracai Rangers who were sat next to us and looked as though they had also been on a night out with George Best. The Raiders hydrated and were up for this game getting into the opposition from the beginning with good pressure. Anther goal for Olly followed by great solo runs from both Nico and the fresh Vincent brought up a 3-0 half time score line. They scored early in the second half but the Raiders raised their game and a collector’s item of a goal from Luke Mcd and another from the mutant sealed a 5-1 victory and progress. Next was Japan FC, we had seen them score lots of long shot the day before and our main focus was to shut them down in the midfield. Craig was finally revived enough to start and managed to tap in after a Nico shot was fumbled by the keeper. They were then fortunate to equalize after a clear two footed challenge went unpunished on Nico and they scored from the counter attack. Cue Anthony kicking the ball into orbit. We then conceded again quickly when Anthony tried to take a quick throw out to Olly who was day dreaming about whether Jack was climbing his bean stalk and stealing his golden goose, one of their players intercepted and smashed it in to make it 2-1. It was the only mistake of the weekend for Anthony who was outstanding and saved us a number of times despite a tendency to use his feet rather than his hands! They then scored again before Olly pulled one back to leave it 3-2 at half time. We were all over them in the second half but couldn’t make the break through. Tired legs and minds meant the final ball was missing and we crashed out at the quarter final stage yet again.

 FC Lunatics (Joe’s team) went on to win the Plate whilst Anatolia Bangkok (Dominic’s team, another ex Raider) won the Cup in a great final. The whole team played well and once again it was felt a lack of subs really hurt our cause. Playing 7 games in 2 days in red hot conditions with in adequate sleep plenty of subs are vital.  Despite that, the team all gave everything and shared the goals with everyone other then Daniel scoring, in his defence he was the man who always stayed back and was solid throughout the tournament playing very well. We all sat down exhausted and had a massage and a beer before flying back to Ho Chi Minh with significantly less banter.

Player of the tournament: Olly Dowden, 7 goals in 7 games the man is a machine. Honourable mention to Anthony in goal.  

Quotes of the tournament:

“Skippy the cunt kangaroo” (Craig) – Anthony in constantly skipped during the drinking games and earns a new nickname.

“You’re from America?” “Yeah I’m from America, fuck the Taliban!” (Anthony) Making friends in Manila American style.

“That’s fucking illegal in Belgium! He could seriously injure me!” (Nico) Apparently back heels are illegal in Belgium.

“That’s where I wanna be when I grow up.” (Olly) Upon seeing an aging white guy getting sucked off in the corner of the art gallery.

“Alright mate! I’ve not seen you since your leaving party!” (Tim) Completely forgetting meeting Joe the night before and Joe holding his hair whilst he was sick all over the road.