Raiders seal their first ever point in Cambodia…

Squad: Antony, Luke, Sascha, Jonas, Adam, Sam, Olly, Pete B, Craig, Nico, Daniel, Alex and Tim

After frantic last minute preparations which left Luke and Craig feeling like the gods didn’t want the Raiders to go on tour this year, things were not looking good. Luckily sacrificing Bao’s left testicle appeased Zeus and the all clear was given. However the news filtered through from Luke that rather than playing another local team of a similar level we were now going to be up against a Cambodian team who had just been promoted to the Premier division. Great.

As the squad boarded the big white eagle bus any suggestions of ‘maybe not getting too drunk on the bus’ dissipated immediately with a sea of wild turkey, beer, red wine?! and gin. Tim had prepared an excellent quiz and took on the role of quiz master, pitting the front of the bus vs the back. Despite having Antony in the team and the questions having an American slant the back of the bus lost. A major cause being that when someone gave an answer (correct) the rest of the team convinced them to change it to another answer (incorrect). Of special note was Antony literally listing the number of presidents since Roosevelt and getting the answer as 11 (correct), someone else then said maybe its 12 (incorrect). Which country has lost the most WC finals. Obviously Holland. All agreed. A Cambodian homeless man with no shoes who doesn’t even own a tv overheard the question as we passed and shouted ‘Holland!’ What did we change our answer to at the last minute. Germany.

Crossing the border Luke took the opportunity to steal an unattended border patrol hat before we achieved a kick ups total of 6……safe to say the Turkey was kicking in.

 

Power ballads were then unleashed which led to an hour or two of singing/screaming that would have drowned out a maternity ward (more on how else this could be achieved later). Craig then performed a feat that Bruce Lee in his prime would’ve struggled to achieve. Leaping down the bus he kicked Nico’s contact clean out of his eye (a contact lense is 0.5mm thick ). 1mm closer and Nico is blind, 1mm further and he misses the contact all together. Impressive I think you will agree. Nico was subsequently partially blind for the remainder of the weekend but that should in no way tarnish the achievement.

We arrived at the beautiful Okay Boutique Hotel only to discover that the manager Johnathon was incompetent/sleep walking/lazy; delete as applicable. In his defence a number of the Raiders were struggling to talk at this point and our desire to get ‘out there’ left patience at a premium. Nico, Luke and Tim somehow found the time during the ‘5 minute quick turnaround’ to jump from a balcony into the pool before climbing up what appeared to be a very valuable statue to escape. Nico then also climbed into a ceremonial plant pot causing the water inside to cascade down 2 flights of stairs. It’s safe to say the staff were aware that we had arrived.

On the bus Olly had told the tragic story of how the last time we were in Phnom Penh he had been left behind. So this time we promised not to repeat the trick. As we jumped in Tuc Tucks and headed to Air Force 1 we all felt confident Olly was there. When he never turned up eyebrows were raised. He’s with Luke they will go to the club don’t worry…..When we arrived at Pontoon there was no sign of him. Shit.
Unperturbed the rest of the squad danced the night away. Jonas and Daniel had already been there for an hour. Antony decided to punch Daniel in the face (reasons unknown). The night continued and as usual the team slowly dispersed into the night to find their own entertainment including 3-somes, swimming in the pool, skyping girlfriends (oh dear Adam) and driving around Phnom Penh lost for 2 hours.

Saturday morning slowly dawned and revealed the Raiders in various states. Craig and Adam woke up bleary eyed and hungover to find this monstrosity staring down at them.

 

Quite how this is deemed acceptable hotel décor is beyond me. Stern words were had with Jonathon and the painting was removed. Sascha was suffering the worst hangover of his Raiders career, baseball cap was firmly pulled down over his eyes and words were an excruciating luxury. Olly and Luke were fresh from their early night whilst Antony offended a French woman by pressing every button in the elevator on the way down. “How old are you!” she shouted in her ridiculous Gaelic accent. He’s 35. The fact that he was sporting hair extensions only added to the farce.

We arrived at the pitch and began a slow motion warm up. Spirts weren’t improved when we looked over to see the opposition performing the most synchronised warm up I have ever seen……whilst being filmed. There was just time for Sascha to throw up before the referee herded us to the center of the pitch for photos and then kick off. In relatively short order we were 5 nil down and the referee was blowing for half time. It all passed in a blur as the fitter, faster, stronger opposition picked us off. It didn’t help that we were struggling to string 2 passes together. At half time it was agreed to tighten up and make it difficult. The Raiders performed much better in the second half and only lost 1-0 giving us a final score of (Angelo look away now) 6-0.

Luckily we had a 40 minute break before our next game. As a picture is worth a thousand words the following photos give a reflection of the team at this point.

Next up were Bayon Wanders the team we came here to beat. The Raiders started much more positively. Pressing the opposition and passing the ball around as if we had actually met before. Craig ‘If I score today it will only be through an opposition defensive error not a through ball from a Raider’ Armitt was put through by some lanky midfield giant whose name escapes me, he beat the offside trap before ‘racing’ through and calmly slotting it past the keeper. Cue wild celebrations……wait there were no celebrations; all he got was a shout from the half way line from Nico ‘We are happy you scored but it’s too far to run and celebrate.’ Team spirit.
The first half ended 1-0 to the Raiders and we were feeling confident. Hangovers were fading, Sascha was speaking and they only had 4 Nigerians on the bench to bring on. What could go wrong? The 2nd half started with Luke stating ‘I’m not going to pass the ball backwards once this half!’. This was clearly in his mind as he was forced to deal with a high ball under pressure. The obvious option of heading it back to the keeper required a back pass……instead he let the ball glance off his head directly into the path of their striker who luckily missed his chance. They brought on the Nigerians who proceeded to put the Raiders under pressure. 2 quick goals conceded left us chasing the game before Jonas decided to help out by slicing a clearance into his own goal. Antony definitely could’ve saved it but instead decided to watch it trickle into the corner. So a 3-1 loss and the Raiders were looking at another Cambodia white wash.

The third and final game saw us take on the elites again. This time we were much more organised and even took the lead. Take a bow Tim Bishop. Getting on the end of a long ball he controlled it on the edge of the 18 yard box before cutting inside his man and unleashing a beauty of a shot straight into the top corner. Cue wild celebrations!!!??? Again. No. A tired arm was lifted whilst the rest of the Raiders were again camped on the half way line shouting congratulations. They then pulled one back in the second half before Jonas was put up front where he displayed more running than the entire team combined. Of particular note was his 1:1 with their keeper when the laws of Physics were very much on his side, he hit the poor guy so hard the keeper managed a full somersault before miraculously landing uninjured!
The game ended 1-1 and a first ever point for the Raiders in Cambodia!!! HURRAH!

Other highlights from the day included:

Antony’s kicking: what can you say other than it was consistent. Reaching a combined height of 63cm and achieving and an impressive pass completion rate of 7% they were as easy on the eye as a Greeve pole dance. Peter Bloor managed to bottle one header only for the opposition player to also bottle it meaning they both had to go through the motions of trying to win it a second time. Pete then headed it straight to them, before complaining about not wanting to injure his rabies ridden hand. Adam and Sam were given their first tastes of Raiders action and neither let the side down. Well done to both of them. Sascha did amazingly well to complete every minute of every game despite nursing the mother of all hangovers. Alex didn’t need a stretcher once all weekend!

After the game the Raiders headed back to the pool for some well-earned rest. Nico organised a joint leisure dive. I’ll let you judge the results.

 

We then completed an underwater squad photo and other shenanigans before heading out to Billy’s bar for food and drinks. Tasty Cambodian food was eaten in quick order whilst congratulating the other teams amongst a friendly atmosphere of beers and tales of Antony’s sexploits. Luke then treated us to a speech which was so inspiring I can’t remember a single word of it. Everyone was looking a little fatigued and rumours were beginning to circulate of some Raiders heading home for an early night. Luckily we had just the right medicine for these sacrilegious thoughts. Wild Turkey! It may taste like the post match juice extracted from Jonas’s shorts but it definitely kick starts a night out! Nominations were dished out and previously heavy eyes were suddenly wide open and ready for the beer races!

 

Non polo’s took on polo’s in a 5 man race. Non polo’s were victorious after a strong start by Olly. Then we moved to the individual races which ended in a draw with 2.5 wins each. Olly and Jonas were nominated to represent each team for the decider. This is when Nico ‘loose throat from being bruised by dicks’ Greeves turned up from the hotel. Sensing his title of best drinker was under threat he joined the final as an independent. The bar went silent, nervous whispers were exchanged. Was this the day Nico was finally going to be unhorsed. The sheer size of Olly’s mouth was surely an advantage? One look at Jonas’s belly told you here was a man who clearly took drinking seriously. Was that doubt you could see in Nico’s eyes? Was this the day?

Billy counted them down 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…..GO. Glasses were raised in unison, nothing between them. Then faster than seems humanly possible Nico’s was descending again to slam onto the table. He remains the undisputed Raiders drinking champion! Jonas and Olly finished in identical time a clear second later. A further rematch was ordered by the baying crowd. This time Jonas’s superior technique saw him take victory. A great tournament and one which bodes very well for the Viking Cup!

On Billy’s advice we hit Candy Bar. When I say hit I actually mean, smashed the shit out of it! As soon as we arrived the girls were cleared away from the pole, the bar and dj laptop. Bemused old men who had previously been having the time of their lives looked on as the Raiders began dancing on the pole. Daniel tested its tensile strength with multiple spins. Nico gave a dance that was like in a porno where you suspect the girl may in fact turn out to be a man which made you feel aroused and dirty at the same time with its intensity. Antony dry humped the pole and Adam tried an ambitious upside down twist. At this point Daniel noticed an even higher pole and proceeded to climb on the bar to reach it. One of the regular guys took offence to this and refused to move. An awkward minute as Daniel clambered over him up the pole later and he was at the top! It was touch and go whether he would slide down in a shower of glory or slip and be killed instantly leading to the awkward moment where we would have to decide whether to end the night and deal with the body or leave him in an ice cooler a la the Hangover until the next morning. Luckily he survived.

 

Sambuccas were dished out before we headed outside. Adam took advantage of the moment to hijack a tuc tuc on our way to Zanzibar and drove it into the side of a car under the encouragement of the players at in the back. We then ransacked another bar with Daniel again replicating Kong Kong’s assault on New York. Craig started his 2 hour DJ set whilst the rest of the team either drifted away to bed, headed to the most expensive club in Cambodia, Nova or faded into the Cambodian night not to be seen again until the next morning with the entire team’s whip…

Sunday morning found the team in surprisingly good spirits for the 6 hour bus journey home. It was hear that various money making ideas were discussed. First on the agenda was pinping Craig out as a male escort to the rich Asian ladies in Saigon. Over hearing the conversation Roberti joined us and casually admitted ‘Yeah I’ve done that before in Korea.’ Next up was Nico’s sound deadening device that could be placed over a crying baby ‘Kind of like how the Vietnamese put the basket over food to keep the flies away.’ When discussed in detail it was realised a heart rate monitor, oxygen pumping device and thin sound proof material would be needed which may affect costs.

We arrived back in Saigon and dispersed back to our individual dwellings for a much needed rest. Another great tour to Cambodia by the Raiders, we have been invited back by Billy for the official Nomads Cup in June. Bayon are celebrating their 20th anniversary so it would show great support if we could organise a team to go there this year. Congratulations to Luke on selecting a perfect hotel despite the torture scenes.

Player of the tournament: Jonas, never stopped running and just shaded Olly despite the own goal.

Honourable Mention: Sascha, after vomiting minutes before kick-off managed to play every minute and didn’t look out of place (this may say more about the rest of us than Sascha).

Quotes:

‘Where in Phnom Penh?’ The bus driver has a very loose idea where we are heading.

‘My eye is literally a ball of agony’ Nico

‘An octopus definitely hasn’t got a heart, the water pumps the blood instead.’ Craig, it has 3.

‘Don’t leave without me boys.’ Olly…..1st night.

‘Cambodian girls can do things I never thought possible’ Anonymous.

‘The driver has stolen my fucking bottle of Wild Turkey!’ Tim, it turns out he left it on the front desk of reception on the first night.

‘They tried to charge me $75 for 3 beers last night when I got home!’ Adam, turns out the guy wrote $7.5

‘You have the heart rate monitor so that if the baby stops breathing you know to lift the basket.’ Nico, more Dragon’s Den pitch ideas

‘All you do is follow them around cleaning up. Martha shit herself the other day for no reason.’ Tim on the joys of parenthood.

Song:

‘I believe in a Peter Bloor’ to the tune of I Believe in a Thing Called Love by The Darkness

‘We’re going to the Tim Bishop’ to the tune of Candy Shop

‘Whaooo Craig Armitt Bam ma lam’ to the tune of Black Betty

‘And it was all Nico! You neeevveeerrr pass the fucking ball.’ To the tune of Yellow by Coldplay

Top Scorers: Craig & Jonas (1)

Words by Craig A