On the Raiders previous two tours to Cambodia we have taken a combined total of 1pt. However, this is a new Saigon Raiders. Fresh from finishing second in the SIFL league and bolstered by new recruits, we traveled full of confidence that we could tame the Cambodian beast (Bayern FC not the girl Collin slept with). That confidence was to be tested early on… at the Cambodian border. But I digress.

The Raiders tour team was surprisingly balanced for once, giving Pat an easy job on his inaugural tour. Except a keeper. Where is Soberti when you need him? At the back we had Collin, Dan, Luke and Nano. In the midfield Daniel B, Craig, Scott, Pat, Wouter, Vo, Eastwood and Tim would provide the engine. Whilst our forward line of Aron, Nico and Hoggy was so follically challenged they considered forming a Right Said Fred tribute band.

We boarded the Big Blue Bus 10 minutes late after Eastwood forgot his passport (1st fuck up). Nico Carrey then had a diva strop after people had the audacity to ask for the Banh Mis he had promised (he has a full time job don’t you know?). So with empty stomachs we departed Saigon. The album of the tour, Red Hot Chili Peppers, was put on and the banter commenced. Eastwood forgot we were 30+ and not students anymore and insisted that international drinking laws were enforced. This led to various people being forced to do press ups on the chairs down the centre of the bus. Sweaty arsed Dan setting the record at 23 push ups.

Half way to the border Eastwood came to the horrifying revelation that his passport didn’t have an entry visa. Deciding that he would just throw his non-existent money at the situation; we pressed on. Reaching the border, we stared in wonder as the $3 extra we paid for express immigration saw us fly through the empty border slower than a group of sleepy confused back packers on a local bus. Luke was not impressed with Jamie. The source of the delay was duly revealed. Eastwood’s passport.

Despite insisting that our fixer ‘try harder’ and stuffing the passport with $1 bills there was no progress. So on the same day he lost his dog, Eastwoodinho also lost his chance at Raiders glory. The team was 1 man down within 2 hours. A new record. We were suitably sympathetic…  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0JzWZVB5qo

Significantly lighter we traveled on. Craig realised he had forgotten his quiz and did an impromptu pissed up Olympics quiz off the top of his head. Nico then did the hardest quiz he could find on google with 2 teams scoring 1 pt. During one of 12 piss stops (despite the driver attempting to ignore us) someone attempted to steal a cat, Craig and Aron broke a child’s merry go round and power ballads were belted out. Half way there the Wild Turkey came out. It was all a bit much and someone ended up falling asleep… tour virgin Scott was going to arrive in Phnom Penh covered in more pricks than a second hand dart board.

 

6 hours later we arrived at the Okay Boutique hotel. A quick spray of Lynx AfricaTM and we hit the mean streets of the capital. The night gets hazy at this point but I’m assured we were in Pontoon at some point. Some Raiders got a full nights sleep (Scott and Dan). Shame! Some worked tirelessly to improve Anglo/Khmer relations. Whilst others just drank until their faculties shut down one by one.

Eyes open. Quick look around. Holy Shit. No hangover. No stab wounds. Check the time. 10:30am. This 2:30pm kick off time on tour could really catch on! After a hearty breakfast, a dip in the beautiful rooftop pool and washing dicks off foreheads we headed to the pitch. Tim joined the squad high on pain killers and coffee after pulling a back muscle earlier in the week. Despite not going out he still managed to look the most hungover.

We arrived at a beautiful facility. A monument to what an international school should aspire to. Crisp white buildings, immaculate facilities, short freshly cut grass pitches. This is what a football pitch should be. Some of us were already imagining the luxury of our pre-game poops. The only thing missing were the other teams. A security guard approached us and informed us that no-one was booked on the pitch. Shit. Accusing eyes turned to Pat. A hasty phone call to Billy confirmed our suspicions. We were in the wrong place. (This never would’ve happened under Alex).

Arriving at the real pitch, we drove through a collapsing gate onto a pitch surrounded by what can only be described as a favela. Those of us who had played too much Modern Warfare 2 began to have flash backs. We trudged across the pitch containing craters in each goal mouth bigger than those Pat leaves on the dance floor, to take our place on the litter strewn ground in front of an actual chicken coup. The naked kids running around were sure to be a distraction for the Belgian and our shelter for the day had the structural integrity of the Twin Towers 20 minutes after impact. You don’t even want to know the state of the toilets.   

After a thorough warm up we took to the field in Colin’s back to basics 4-4-2. Pat Guzan volunteered to go in goal with the calming words ‘Guys I haven’t got a fucking clue what I’m doing.’ The back four picked itself, Luke and Nano at full back with Dan ‘well rested’ and Collin ‘Sleep when you’re dead’ in the middle. Craig and Daniel G held the midfield and would look to break forward with pace… genuine pace could be found on the wings with Vo and Wouter. Up front Nico would win the flick ons for Hoggy to chase. Subs consisted of Scott (faint penis on his forehead), Aron (no shirt) and Tim (break in case of emergency).

Our first game was against the hosts Bayern Wanderers. The tournament organisers had forgotten to bring any actual balls so against Luke’s wishes we used a Raiders ball. A dangerous proposition as the pitch was surrounded by a low wall which separated it from the favela. Sure enough 3 minutes in the ball was kicked into Buenos Aires.

 

The Raiders dominated the game. Passing the ball around confidently and keeping Bayern quiet at the other end. We were aggressive but calm with Nico engaging in an on-going battle with a French CB, the pinnacle of which was him leaving the garlic muncher for dead with his trademark stand and kick move. Raiders dominance was finally rewarded when a 5 pass move ended with Nico wriggling through a series of challenges and laying the ball off to Craig 25 yards out. Without the usual hangover blurring his vision, he noticed the keeper was an inch too far to his right and unleashed a low drive straight into the bottom corner. Possibly his best ever Raiders goal. The Raiders took control and never looked like conceding. We played out the remainder of the match to win our first game 1-0.

Game 2 was vs Cambodia FC. A tougher match as they were a more technically gifted group of players. It was a hard fought game with both teams equally committed. Nico was two footed by a giant playing at CB and reacted with a priceless rant (see quotes). It later turned out that he was the tournament sponsor. Wouter was running rampant down the right flank but both defences were on top. Daniel Vo was in goal for this game and was playing well. That was until he caught a cross then inexplicably put the ball down to tie his shoe laces! Their striker rushed in for a tap in but luckily Collin was alert and hoofed the ball out for a throw in. Cue a torrent of abuse and a textbook Vo gormless grin. Nano was having a stormer at left back; shutting out their tricky winger. Daniel G was then caught day dreaming of Stephy and passed the ball directly to their striker. He took his chance well and we were 1-0 down. Daniel G performed football Hari Kiri and substituted himself off immediately. The Raiders battled for a goal. Nico had a header ruled out for a foul and eventually the ref blew full time. An undeserved 1-0 loss.

The 3rd game saw us face Bayern Wanderers again. However this time they were rested and we had just played. Craig went in goal this time and instantly shanked a goal kick out for a throw. The Raiders again dominated. It was pretty much attack vs defence for the entire game. Luke beat a man three times in a row and somehow found himself in the opposition penalty area but couldn’t apply the finish. Hoggy had numerous chances to score but the keeper or late defending denied him every time. Aron hit the post with a header. With their only shot of the game Bayern miss hit a shot which looped over Craig (I was in a hole) and into the back of the net. It was literally the only save he had to make, so he ended with a Mingolet like 0% save completion. Another undeserved 1-0 loss and our chance to take the trophy was over.

At this point a number of factors needed to be dealt with before our final game. Wouter and Dan were beginning to suffer the effects of heat stroke so were sat with their heads in their hands. Also a gang of street kids had started gathering around our bags leaving us with a dilemma. How to move our bags without looking blatantly racist? Someone noticed a slight cloud in the distance and so it was that we moved all our stuff whilst frowning theatrically at the sky and saying things like ‘Yeah, I think its gonna piss it down.’  

The final game was for pride against Bayern FC again. Daniel took Dan’s place in defence and Scott came into the midfield. We were again on top throughout. Crazola was winning everything in the midfield and linking up in neat 1-2’s with Scott. Pat was determined to earn his second clean sheet in goal. Nico was put through early on but it was ruled out for offside. To his credit he walked away. Wouter then burst down the right again and reached the byline. While everyone was screaming for a pull back he decided to go alone and was brought down for a clear penalty. Hoggy wrestled the ball from Nico and put the penalty calmly into the top corner (penalties only count half so Craig was still technically the top scorer). Nico had previously stated that Craig had never won a header so he proceeded to win 6/7 headers in the midfield against the French Fellaini. Tim had a great chance to open his account after a great run from Hoggy saw his shot saved by the keeper. Tim had the goal gaping but hit the ball straight at the keeper. He later stated that he was distracted by the Pink Unicorn riding a unicycle (don’t do drugs kids). Despite having an imperious tournament Collin then conceded a controversial penalty after their striker collapsed under a should barge. Pat was facing his first penalty in goal. Plenty of advice from the team, including “make sure you dive’. He did go the right way but the strike was too far in the corner for him to reach. As the Cambodia players ran off celebrating the ref was pointing for a goal kick! After much confusion it turned out their players had encroached and as a result the ref gave a goal kick. The Raiders took advantage of their good fortune and saw the game out 1-0.

So the day ended with 2 wins, 2 losses and a goal difference of 0. We should have won all 4 games and taken the trophy but the nature of the performances was a pleasure to take part in. Simple passing and a positive attitude takes you a long way. It was probably the best tour performance I have seen from the Raiders. It certainly banished the memories of Hong Kong.

After another quick turnaround at the Hotel we left Collin and Hoggy giving each other a reach around and headed out to Billy’s bar for free food and beer. The only problem was we went to his old bar. More accusatory stares at Pat and a second hasty phone call revealed we were indeed in the wrong place again. We traveled back across the city hungry and angry in Tuk Tuks (never would’ve happened under Alex). Arriving at a Vietnamese restaurant (great) we were greeted by the other teams and a great reception was laid on for us. They made the Raiders feel very welcome and insisted we spread ourselves around the room. Tim befriended Billy’s children (classic rookie error) and Daniel G inhaled a plate of chips. Nico, Pat and Tim annihilated the Cambodian drinking teams in a beer race (we finished a clear beer ahead). Collin arrived looking like Jordan Belfort and Hoggy arrived with a shirt too big and pants too tight. Reunited the Raiders hit the town.

First stop was Top Banana. En-route Bohemian Rhapsody was blasted out and Collin gave us the greatest spontaneous rap Phnom Penh has ever seen. At Top Banana a fines session was initiated by Craig using Sambuca for the girls and Tequila for the men. Pat was nominated a lot. As the Raiders became rowdy we began to gather a crowd of girls who could sense the testosterone (smell of desperation) pouring off Wouter.

Dan began to develop Pink eye which was going to significantly impact his ability to pull. Tim went to the toilet and returned to find the bar covered in balloons. We were exploring the campest gateway drug in town. Wippets. The laughing gas reduced some Raiders to a quivering mess whilst others were blasting brain cells at a rate of a balloon a minute.

Deciding enough was enough we headed to Top Cat. An eclectic art gallery which caters to a discerning crowd like the Saigon Raiders. All was progressing well. Whitney was on. Drinks were flowing. People were dancing. Wouter had a gorgeous girl. Then the mood turned feral. Similar to the scene after the sun goes down in Dusk Till Dawn the girls began attacking Raiders. Confused Craig attempted to de-escalate the situation by confronting the head Vampire/Mammasan. After much shouting it turned out there was a bell in the middle of the bar. If you ring the bell you must buy all the girls a drink. One of the girls had asked Daniel Vo if she should ring? In classic Vo fashion when he doesn’t understand what is going on, he gave a gormless grin and nodded. Suddenly he owed $80 in drinks. Needless to say the whip wasn’t covering that. Craig ordered the Raiders out. The Vampires didn’t like that option. Hoggy was grappled from behind as he attempted to leave and began screaming ‘HODOR! HODOR!’. Daniel Vo the Vietnamese Quasimodo scampered down the street somehow still clutching his $500 camera. The rest of us broke away and threw $7 dollars at the Mamasan before hightailing it to Nova.

Thankful for our lucky escape we went home and awaited day break, headed to Nova where Aron (a friend in every city) had arranged us a table. There the Raiders took control of the dance floor. Even Kevin Bacon would’ve been intimidated. Hoggy lost the power of speech and instead communicated through a strange arm twitching dance move. Nano demonstrated some South American dance moves which would’ve placed highly on Strictly Come Dancing. Finally, realising we were annoying the bouncers we headed off into the night. The memory again gets hazy but highlights include; Tim nearly knocking himself unconscious, Nano getting it on, Wouter complaining about the love of his life he lost in Top Cat, Scott getting lost in Pontoon, eating our body weight in burgers, Aron the sly dog sneaking two french students into a Tuk Tuk, Dan actually losing the sight in his right eye, two french girls walking home confused that a group of football players would rather have swimming races than try to have sex with them, the wettest joint in Cambodia, a German asleep on a sunbed and Collin actually becoming Jordan Belfort.

Once more it was a great tour to Cambodia, made all the more enjoyable by the group of lad who went there. The new players more than held their own and each added something to the trip.

Thanks as ever to Billy. Each year his hospitality gets better. We really need to bring him to Saigon.

Thanks to Pat for organising the tour. It’s never easy and you only get noticed when things go wrong. All in all you did well big man.

 

Player of the Tournament: Craig – Wonder goal and dominant midfield displays

Turkey of the Tournament Daniel Vo – Ringing the bell

Quotes:

We traveled 600 miles for a friendly you FUCKING …….MAGGOT! – Nico introduces himself to the tournament sponsor with an insult which will echo through the ages

I need a can do attitude from you – Eastwood gets frustrated with our fixer on the Cambodian border

Please don’t tell Dieu – Craig falls off the vegetarian wagon hard after eating a full English, a burger, a plate of chicken wings and a plate of pork ribs within 12 hours

Last night, so many farts! – Daniel Vo finds out why no one wants to share with Daniel German

Do you want me to ring the bell? – Vampire

If you had 15 vagina’s in front of you, could you guess the nationalities? Aron answers one of 2380 questions about his job

I only work 9 hours a week – Aron loses all the good will he had gained on the bus ride home

I nominate Pat – Hoggy

I told her. You should be fucking paying me! – Collin has a bold strategy in Pontoon

I understand. I understand you can’t give clear instructions. This conversation is over – Pat is not happy when we are charged another $3 handling fee at the border and lets the girl on the phone know about it

Hi, I just re-read your email. You were right. I’m sorry…. She just hung up on me – Pat checks his email (never would’ve happened under Alex)