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After a one year hiatus the Saigon Raiders once more attended the Manila Nomads cup. Despite a few last minute alterations due to injury (Kevin) and work commitments (Fredrik) we traveled with a healthy squad of 9 players. The brave adventurers in order of most to least hair were: Luke, Alex, Old Alex, Craig, Sasha, Daniel, Tim, Nico, Pat (coach) and Pete. We were also joined by a 3 man Filipino contingent, led by ex-Raider and part time Predator impersonator Vincent. They were to prove invaluable in the Manila heat.
The squad assembled at the airport and it was rapidly apparent someone had been on the gins already. Luke M. We checked in and rendezvoused at the Burger King where the first controversy of the trip occurred. Whilst the rest of us ordered Burgers and beers, Nico ‘Continental’ Greeves sat down with a muffin and a cappuccino. Coach Pat was not impressed. Seeking to restore some sense of masculinity to the tour, Alex bowed to peer pressure and agreed to down a $5 pint of beer he had just bought. He started well. But like a drunken sexual encounter it got hard half way through. Eventually, 7 seconds later he had finished.
Honour restored we boarded the plane. On the plane other passengers were forced to endure loud discussions about; who would carry the conch if we crashed on a desert island (Pat), why it would be better to masturbate 24 times than run 24 miles and why coach Pat’s formation of 2-1-2-1 wasn’t going to work in a 6-a-side tournament. We decided we needed a song to regale Tim with upon our arrival at Manila Airport (he had flown in from Bangkok). What followed was a level of song writing inspiration not seen on this planet since the Beatles wrote the White Album. A full list of our endeavours can be found at the end of this report but our song for Tim ended up being, ‘We’re off to see Tim Bishop, the wonderful Tim Bishop of Saigon.’ To the tune of Wizard of Oz. Stellar I think you will agree.
After picking himself up off the floor due to our song writing prowess, Tim presented us with a bottle of Wild Turkey. Cunt. It never gets easier. Especially when there is nothing to rinse it down with. We crammed into our bus expecting to be out on Borges Street within the hour. Instead we joined a flow of traffic that Daniel could outrun. Luckily the driver had brought us a crate of beer and the Wild Turkey was there in our 2 hours of need. The time wasn’t wasted as we produced yet more lyrical genius and shared some truths about ourselves. Nico spent a night in a cell, Craig has been unconcious in an ambulance and someone spent a year banging a Haitian girl. We then realised one of the Alexs needed a nickname. Goetze made the school boy error of stating ‘I don’t care as long as I’m not fucking Old Alex’. Problem solved.
Finally we arrived at the Red Planet hotel at 11pm. Quick discussions about what to wear and a quick 15 minute turn around was agreed. Despite this tiny window of opportunity someone still found a way to get injured. Step forward Luke M. Now by this point it is fair to say Luke was ‘inebriated’. So when his room card wasn’t working, rather than go back downstairs like a normal human being, he decided to punch a glass advertising board cutting his fingers to ribbons. Don’t worry, the advertising board was unharmed, his aim was so bad he hit the side. Plasters applied, we headed out to Borges Street.
At this point the memory fades but the night included: the sight of a 70 year old man who was fulfilling his ‘Make a Wish Foundation’ request, a Craig’s Travel tour to walk upon the most exquisite rug in all of Asia, Daniel nearly getting arrested for drinking on the street (his response to being accused was to drop his can and state ‘I’m not drinking.’) and finally a trip to Wendy’s where a video was filmed of Luke in all his glory…
The next morning found some members of the squad up in time for breakfast ready for action. The other half were MIA. A round of last minute door knocks revealed Luke, Old Alex and Pete were in fact still asleep. Pete looked like Bill Nightly in Shaun of the Dead AFTER he has been bitten by the zombies and was in the worst shape. Once we arrived at the pitch the sun was coming out and the dreaded Manila heat was beginning to emerge. You could’ve fried an egg on the canvas, boiled tea in your boots or cooked a full English breakfast on Nico’s forehead.
Vincent arrived with wife and baby in tow. We also got our first look at our Filipino recruits Mike and Rico AKA Benzema.
Our first game saw us up against Kuala Lumpur. Pat lined us up in a 2-2-1 formation with Pete and Daniel providing a solid base in front of Craig and Tim, whilst Nico ploughed a lone furrow up front. The plan was to be hard to beat, defending in two banks of two whilst hoping for some Nico magic up
front. Due to BOTH our keepers engaging in Catholic birth control (pulling out at the last minute),
Sascha was forced into action in goal.
Everyone was fired up and ready to set down a marker. Nico kicked off and played the ball back to Pete, unfortunately his first time pass to Craig wasn’t exactly ‘laser guided’ as he shanked it off his shin straight out of play. Good start. One the game got going however the Raiders took control. The beautiful grass pitches allowed us to play our usual tika-taka style which led to a stunning opening goal from Daniel G. The ball was laid back to him 20 yards out and he hit it harder than that bird hit Ronda Rousey, straight into the top corner. Nico then added a second with a calm finish to send us in 2-0 up at half time. KL managed to score early in the second half but a third goal from Nico settled the nerves back down. A late consolation goal for KL just before the final whistle had no effect on the result and the Raiders had won 3-2!
So a moral boosting win under our belts and we were into our second game against the Baggios. Reading their team write up was sobering. It appeared to simply be an endless list of awards won over the past year including: most goals scored, least conceded and trophies galore. Unfazed the Raiders started brightly and were matching them all over the pitch. It was a marvel to play in front of a referee who was displaying no bias towards any team. That was until Coach Pat decided the Raiders needed more adversity in their life and began shouting abuse at the ref in his hill billy accent.
He pretty much turned on us from that point on. A frantic first half ended 0-0, with both teams having chances. Sasha was doing his best Manuel Neuer impression as a sweeper keeper. The second half saw the opposition take a cheap lead when their striker was left completely alone up front to score a simple 1:1 from a long ball. The Raiders battled back and had 2/3 chances to equalise before a late long shot crept past Sascha to seal the game. A 2-0 loss but the Raiders felt hard done by as they had been more than a match for the Baggio’s and at least deserved a draw.
Our final group game of the day was against Manila Nomads A. Having played them a number of times over the years we were under no illusions that this was going to be an easy game. The pace of the match remained high despite this being the third game of the day. Rico and Daniel were keeping it tight at the back, whilst Nico was working hard to make something happen at the other end.
Unfortunately Nomad’s have a pool of around 200 players to choose from. The Raiders have 30. This makes a difference. The Nomads scored two goals in the first half to lead 2-0 at half time. Despite Coach Pat’s best efforts to lift the team we struggled in the second half, conceding a third before Tim scored his standard goal on tour. I honestly think Tim Bish may have the best goals to minutes ratio of any Raider. A fourth for the Nomads saw us end the day on a demoralising 4-1 loss.
Due to us finishing at a very respectable 2pm, the team hit the pool before heading back to the hotel for a much needed nap. This time rather than two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, we hit the classy side of Manila, The Fort. Vincent had picked out a great BBQ ribs place. Based upon the fact the club were covering the meal, everyone ordered the most expensive rack on the menu. Nico pointed out that a clever Raider could get back half their membership fee in one meal if they chose wisely. Sascha sensing that his carefully managed club finances were about to be decimated quickly added ‘Only the food is covered by the club, get your own drinks.’
Due to the attacks in Paris conversation turned to dying for your country with the net result being that no one should ever rely on Nico in a time of crisis. Luke ‘cannon fodder’ McDonnell was so impassioned that he said he felt like joining the army and ‘I don’t know? Going over there and shooting shit up!’
We then began our now traditional bottle of Tequila. Nominations were dished out and the finger game played. At this point the Raiders couldn’t be contained in a restaurant any more so we headed to a bar for Luke’s therapy session. He told us the harrowing tale of how he once panicked and jumped out of a log flume ride half way through, causing the ride to be stopped and him to be led past an entire queue of laughing teenagers soaking wet. ‘I still lie awake thinking about it to this day.’
An acoustic bar allowed us to scream some U2 numbers, whilst Luke and Tim to topped up on some unnecessary Tequila. At this point a sacrilege occurred. With the clock barely registering 12pm three Raiders stated they were going home. Bow your heads, Nico, Pete and Alex. Now Nico and Pete are old bastards, they are already losing their hair and have lovely girlfriends at home. So whilst their decision was ridiculed and should be a source of eternal shame, there are some allowances to be made. No such excuse can be given by young Alex. Fresh faced, 23 years old, on his first ever Raiders’ tour in Manila, single and about to enter a club filled with beautiful Filipinos; he decides to go home. By Jonas’ sweaty butt cheeks! What an error.
So minus the three lightweights we headed into Manila’s biggest night club. The tunes were pumping, we had our own sofa table in the middle of the dance floor, endless Gin and tonics and the world was our oyster. Big Dogs. Vincent needed no excuse to bust out the dance moves despite what appeared to be a homeless, overweight bearded man dressed in pastel dancing next to him throughout the night, blissfully unaware that he had the co-ordination of Michael J Fox (current).
Around 2am Luke went missing. In the morning we were told the story in all its glory. He had staggered out of the nicest club in Manila and vomited all over the pavement. The (very friendly) Filipino bouncers asking him in their silly accents ‘Don’t do that there sir.’ Until fed up, they threw him into a taxi home. So a Raider has ‘decorated’ Manila on the last two tours. A lot of pressure for Bao next year.
Sunday morning began with Nico (fresh as a daisy) Greeves banging on everyone’s door. Something he previously vowed to never do again. After throwing a handful of cold water in their faces and looking at their blood shot reflection in the mirror, everyone assembled down stairs… except for one man. Old Alex. In the 25 year history of the Saigon Raiders no man has ever failed to attend the kick-off of the first game on tour, until now. Alex declared himself unfit for the game and promised to join us later. In the words of Tim Bish ‘He looked like he was going to cry.’ So minus the tour organiser we headed to the game feeling surprisingly free of guilt, shame or hangovers.
The first game was the final group game. We knew a good result would see us qualify for the cup competition. We had seen our opponents, the Shanghai Anzacs looking at French Art in the Tickles Gallery at 2am the night before so we knew they were going to be in the same state as us. We decided to attack them and abandon our previous cautious approach. Prior to the game Craig and Nico prepared a free kick routine which involved Nico laying it 2 metres across for Craig to run onto and smash. So when we won a free kick early in the game in prime position, a quick look was exchanged before a slow nod. This is it. Daniel, completely unaware of the plan took up position next to Nico waiting for ‘his’ lay off. Nico ran up and completely bypassed Daniel with a perfect ball for Craig to run onto and blast into the goal. Daniel was bemused, Nico and Craig delighted. I love it when a plan comes together! Alex then added a second goal with a difficult finish at the near post after a quick one two with Nico.
The second half began and a through ball from Nico sent Craig racing through to what seemed a sure goal until their defender decided to decorate Craig’s ribs with an imprint of his knee. As Craig writhed around on the floor like a fish out of water he was treated to the bizarre experience of feeling like he was dying whilst 6 people (including the medical staff) all stood around watching. His ‘team mate’ Nico even suggesting he roll off so that he could take the free kick. After a frantic minute Craig finally managed to squeeze enough air into his lungs to tell Nico ‘I can’t fucking breathe!’
Undeterred by his previous failure to help out, Nico then picked up Craig’s arms and stuck both knee’s into his back creating some kind of bizarre Belgian crucifixion (again watched on by actual medical staff). Deciding it was probably less painful if he just got up; Craig staggered to his feet just in time to see Nico blast the ball over the bar.
The Raiders continued the pressure and a pacey (stop laughing at the back) run from Craig down the wing forced an Anzac’s defender to turn the ball into his own goal. A final goal from Nico as he added to his growing tally before a late consolation saw the Raiders win 4-1. We were into the Cup!
Unfortunately due to some bizarre planning, we now had 4½ hours until our next game. Grumbling, the team settled down into a fitful slumber or an on-going debate about genetics, foreign policy and foxes. A dip in the pool to freshen up before kick-off saw Luke set the length under water record at an impressive 4 lengths.
We learnt our opponents were going to be Carnegie Taipei. They were seeded top after the group stages and had won their previous game 11-0. Gulp. Undeterred Pat sent us out to keep it tight and deny the opposition space to work in. This worked well in the first half as we denied them chances.
They clearly became frustrated but the pressure was unrelenting as the Raiders had no outlet. 0-0 at half time and Nico was pushing for a change of tactics. In the second half the Raiders pressed higher up the pitch which resulted in a flowing end to end game. Carnegie took the lead with an excellent long range shot which left Sasha with no chance. Daniel then scored to draw us level. At this point it came down to fitness. Sascha made numerous great blocks, whilst the midfield was forced to pretty much do a bleep test. Luke and Alex stepped in manfully when Craig and Tim were exhausted.
However in the end Carnegie scored a late breakaway goal to run out 2-1 winners. A valiant effort from the boys. Perhaps we should’ve believed in ourselves a little more and gone for a win from the start. Carnegie went on to lose in the Cup final.
So, we dropped down into the plate competition. By this point Alex had arrived. Due to his morning of sleep he looked as fit as the Duracell Bunny… if it had myxomatosis, was on fire and had AIDS. After a frosty reception from the team he finally pulled his boots on and promised to do his best. After just 30 minutes rest our opponents were the Boracay Rangers. A solid but beatable team. The game was our tightest of the tournament. Nico had a great tussle with their centre back throughout, whilst Vincent continued to try his trade mark ‘knock it past them then run through them’ move but to no avail. At the other end Pete, Luke, Daniel and Rico were immense. Normal time finished 0-0.
What followed was four minutes of 3v3 golden goal. The Raiders selected Craig, Pete and Nico. At this point it quickly became clear we should’ve practiced or at least discussed tactics for this scenario rather than the breeding habits of foxes. Luckily the other team were just as clueless. Both teams attempted to pass it up the pitch and work a clear shooting opportunity. It was tense. Craig should’ve shot but instead laid it to Nico who fired wide. From the resulting goal kick they countered with a long ball which left them 1 vs 1 against Pete who had run all the way back to goal. A calm finish and we were out. Bollocks. Boracay went on to win the Plate competition.
Not content to give us just two opportunities to win a trophy, the Nomads then placed us in the Bowl competition. It was beginning to feel like this tour was never ending. The Bowl semi-final was against Carnegie B team. Legs were beginning to tire and the standard of football was becoming more United 2015 than United 1999. Craig and Rico attempted to control the midfield whilst the rest took turns attacking. After a goalless first half Tim and Old Alex combined beautifully from the kick off with a rapid series of passes which led to Tim slotting in at the near post. 1-0 Raiders. Carnegie then instantly replied. Young Alex and Nico then combined with a flowing one touch counterattack which Alex finished. 2-1 Raiders. At this point subs were rolling constantly as we tried to hold on but it was not to be. A late goal sent the game to extra time. Both teams couldn’t be bothered running anymore so penalties were agreed with epic consequences…
Our nominated takers were… Tim, Luke and Pete. Three Englishmen. It’s almost like we didn’t want another game… Peter stepped up first, looked calm then smashed it into the top corner. Fist pump, rub out the small wee stain and jog back to the team. Carnegie then took a woeful penalty which sailed over the bar. Next up, the one we had all been waiting for… Luke M. I’d not been this nervously excited since Lucy Smith let me see her left boob in year 6. By this point a large crowd had gathered to watch, only adding to the tension. Rather than try to explain the penalty here it is in all its glory.
Carnegie then fired their second penalty wide to allow Tim the chance for glory. Duly despatched into the bottom corner. Cue wild celebrations/muted cheers/moans of ‘Not another fucking game!’
So despite our best efforts we were in a final! Our opponents were the Shanghai Anzacs. A team we had already beaten that day 4-1; although at this point that seemed a life time ago. Due to severe dehydration and exhaustion no one seems to know what happened in this game. Even who scored.
We have decided to award the goal to Nico as it seems the most likely. Either way the game ended 1-1 and we moved into our third period of extra time. We requested once more going to straight to penalties (we all wanted to see Luke try again) but the opposition wanted a 3v3 first. So this time we elected Tim, Pete and Daniel as they finished on the pitch. [Ed: Pete’s decision to think about the next day’s games and go home at a sensible time proving wise… or costly?] Our previous experience really paid off. Coached by the entire sideline the team kept the ball well. When their last man clearly handled the ball (should’ve been a red card) it seemed set for Pete to take the free kick. All weekend he had been reminding us that he has a 100% record on free kicks. So here he was, 15 yards out. A free kick to win the trophy… What does he do? Pass it to Tim, who then loses the ball. Luckily they won it back and once more built up play until it was worked centrally for Daniel to do what he does best and firmly put his foot through it straight into the bottom corner! Two great goals from Daniel either end of the tournament. We had won the bowl trophy!
The final of the Cup competition was between Carnegie and Real Nomads. In controversial circumstances Nomads had a professional player up front who plays for the Philippines national team. He scored 16 goals throughout the tournament and was clearly a level above everyone else. He ran so fast that if you stuck a Flux Capacitor up his arse he could go back in time and fuck your grandmother. This turned most of the teams against the Real Nomads and him in particular which created a good atmosphere for the final. Never ones to turn down an opportunity to boo and shout abuse the Raiders joined in. Unfortunately he didn’t give a shit. Real Nomads were comfortable winners and the tournament was over.
We stayed around to be presented with our awards. The Raiders were singled out twice during the speeches as a great club with a good attitude. Our main aim at the beginning of the first day was to be a positive team with a fair attitude. We achieved this for the most part. A number of times during the tournament people approached us and remarked on the fact we seemed a fun team who didn’t take the playing side too seriously. The banner looked great and I’m sure we have expanded the Raiders brand, for anyone at the tournament moving to Saigon it will be an easy choice. So, a trophy, great times, no injuries, a glowing reputation and no soul destroying angst for Craig to lie awake at 2am considering on Monday night.
The Manila Nomads as ever put on a great tournament. The Raiders will be back next year to defend our trophy. Huge thanks, too, to Old Alex, for an excellently organised tour. All in all a great tournament weekend.
Player of the Tournament – Sascha – When he offered to play in goal, I don’t think he expected to have to do quite so much kicking. Sascha demonstrated the benefit of having a keeper who can play football in a 6-aside tournament. He frequently acted as sweeper and was able to pick out the passes when he had the ball. Also he blocked countless shots throughout the day without ever making a single dive! It was a great performance from an injured player who really stepped up when needed.
Honourable Mention – Nico – Being asked to hold the ball up front alone is no easy task. Nico was forced to create a lot of his own chances all weekend and did a great job. He finished with 4 goals and 5 assists. His constant running allowed the defence to regroup AND he actually passed the ball!
Man of the Tournament – Luke – If you have read this report then you know why he has won this award. Consistently hilarious; both intentionally and unintentionally. I would sacrifice Bao’s remaining testicle for the security footage outside that nightclub.
Song List:
Sasha – Hakunamasascha, what a wonderful phrase, Hakunamasascha, he makes lots of saves. (To the tune of Hakunamatata from the Lion King)
Luke – We found Luke in a hopeless place. We found Luke in a hopeleeeessss place. (We found love – Rhinanna)
Tim – Smack Tim Bishop. Smack Tim Bishop. Wagawagoooooh. (Smack My Bitch Up – Prodigy)
Craig – Crraaaaiiigggg Arrrrmmittttttt. Craig Armtt. Crrrraaaaiiigggg Arrrmmitttttttt. (Take On Me – A-Ha)
Pete – Peter Bloor Peter Bloor. When are you gonna score. Peter Bloor Peter Bloor. (Tell Me More –
Grease)
Old Alex – Any Old Alex, any old Alex, any any any old Alex. He looks sweet, crumpled in a heap. Any
any any Old Alex.
Daniel – Don’t you score me, don’t you score me no goooaallllss. I see him scoring. Oh baby pleeeeeease. Give a little Brusdet, toooooooo meeeeeee! (Respect – Erasure)
Nico – It’s Nico! Always believe in his goals. He’s got the power to score, he’s indestructible….always believe innnnnnn in Nico! (Gold – Spandau Ballet)
Alex – It’s the Stienkul of Life! He moves and scores! (Circle of Life – Lion King)
Pat – Hit the road Pat and don’t you come back no more no more no more no more. Hit the road Pat and don’t you come back no more. (Hit the Road Jack)
Quotes
‘It wasn’t so much the fact that I had just jumped off the ride, it was the fact that I had abandoned my mother and sister to their fate.’ Luke M reflects on the Log Flume nightmare.
‘I danced so fucking hard, if you go back to that night club there is a fucking crater in the dancefloor.’ Pat has a rather over inflated opinion of his own dance moves but a surprisingly accurate estimation of his body weight.
‘I don’t know what you are talking about. I wasn’t drinking.’ Daniel’s defence was somewhat compromised by the beer seeping out of the can into his shoes.
‘I feel like signing up for the Army.’ Luke is affected by the Paris attacks.
‘I’m not dying for my country. No fucking way. If they go to war then I will just move to the Bahamas.’ Nico is less nationalistic (probably explains the Belgians not even lasting 24 hours in WWII).
‘Young Alex would be collecting wood.’ ‘Yeah but he has sailed boats.’ ‘Good point.’ Young Alex gets promoted to raft builder on the dessert island.
‘You’re the cooking bitch.’ Despite being reassured it’s an important job, Pete is less than impressed by his role on the island.
‘Oh it’s shut…’ Craig discovers the Night Club we have spent an hour getting to [Ed: being dragged to by Craig] is in fact closed.
