It is hard to describe just how hot it was on Saturday. With the hot season yet to kick in and our aging, follicly-challenged squad looking increasingly like a carton of eggs, we may have to play the remainder of the season in hats.

The fear of God entered the early Raiders as our touring opponents, British Club Singapore, arrived. Approaching through the shimmering air, with their own theme song and team masseuses, it was only a team of bloody Ronaldos and Maradonas.

 

Unfortunately they have not lost their touch, unlike yours truly. Freed from defensive duties in an experimental first half formation, with a few minutes gone I moved into unfamiliar territory – the opposition penalty area – just as a cross came in from the right. Boom: the ball hits my ankle and heads off into the sky. Then down into the neighbouring prison. Turkey moment decided there and then.

But imagine the sweet joy of finding a football in the prison yard after years with nothing but slippery soap to help pass the time. It’s not everyone who will sacrifice personal glory to help society’s forgotten people, I tell you.

Soon afterwards a BC Singapore attack breaks down. The ball bobbles to Captain Daniel at centreback, who swings, misses and nudges the ball into the path of an attacker. 1-0 Singapore.

Egg number 1, who we’ll call Tartan Egg, is having a nightmare in the middle. A crisp pass from me hits his standing leg and deflects on through to Gyno Egg, who waists the chance (it hits his stomach) rides the challenge from two defenders and scores a sweet equaliser to add to his incredible goals tally. 1-1.

Next up is Alex Steinkuhl, breaking free on the right with just the keeper to beat. Wallop: never in doubt. 2-1 Raiders.

The half time whistle blows and we head back to the shade, grateful that all we have left to do is drink beer and cheer on Singapore. Not so for Captain Daniel who plays on at the back, and Miquel, Irish Egg and Bacon&Egg, who help out a hungover, heat-stroked Singapore.

A word here for our opposition. After two nights on the trot in Apocalypse Now, playing on the hottest day of the year, with an average age around 10 years higher than our own, they were immense. Well played gents; you are welcome back any time.

The second half Raiders set-up is less experimental, determined to go one better against the now-tired visitors. The Raiders have most of the ball but are not creating much, when Stefan whips a corner in and finds Mike not-yet-an-egg Clark, whose deft header hits the bar. Craig Hoff-Armitt then rattles the bar with a shot-cum-cross from almost on the touchline.

Finally Mike Clark breaks the deadlock with a fine reverse chip. On this form he is one of our most important players. 3-1 Raiders.

And there’s still time for a debut goal from Wauter. Tartan Egg told me it wasn’t that memorable, but he’s just bitter at being a spectator in both halves. Welcome to the Raiders, Wauter. 4-1 Raiders.

Following a series of precision goal kicks from Miquel that go straight to his club-mates rather than his temporary new team mates, Bacon&Egg latches on to a long ball over the top, leaving Captain Daniel chasing shadows. It is quite something to score for the opposition on your debut, but Hoggy’s first time finish is sublime and bodes well for the rest of the season. 4-2 Raiders.

Finally, Stefan, determined to impress Lisa in the stands, arrows one into the top corner from 25 yards. 5-2 Raiders. Lisa, having earlier taken a dump on the sidelines, looks distinctly unmoved.

And Craig smashes one into the roof of the net with gusto; a fine finish that deserves a less lazy description… 6-2 Raiders.

British Club Singapore were such good guys they even voted one of their players joint Turkey of the Match, letting me unload some of the honour. In fairness, for coming on tour and not drinking, he deserved it. Nice one anyway, gents.

MOTM: Spitfire of BC Singapore.

Written by Peter Bloor.