This weekend’s game was a lesson in futility. When playing a Vietnamese team, expecting anything other than a heavy home team bias is wishful thinking. However the referee on Saturday offered up the most inept performance since Floyd last tried foreplay. With this information in mind; on to the match report.

The Raiders offered debuts up front to new boys Aaron and Michael as the experimental side took to the field in the usual 3-4-2 formation. A team talk that insisted we focus on not getting injured was sadly not communicated to the opposition by Mr Hung. It took Michael less than 10 minutes to score more goals then Luke McDonnell (-4)has in the past 5 years. Taking advantage of the Spitfires high line he calmly slotted past the keeper. Any thoughts of a rout were soon erased as the referee decided to become their 12th man (perhaps reeling from Roberti dating his daughter and never calling her back), he preceded to blow for a foul every time a Raider attempted to deliver a dead leg.

Olly, Eoin and Luke were passing the ball around nicely at the back whilst only a ridiculously high line and a scream activated linesman kept the strikers at bay. Meanwhile the dwarf playing in the hole for the Spitfires was struggling to win headers with Olly’s knees in his ears. Perhaps inspired by the news that kicking a Raider in the thigh leads to a slow motion highlight reel being made, the Spitfires hatchet man took Craig down. His resulting free kick was arrowing into the bottom corner only to be blocked by Jeroen’s trailing leg (cough). A 50 year old with cataracts began terrorising Luke on the left wing as the half descended into a series of free kicks and counter attacks.

Towards the end of the first half the Raiders conceded a penalty. Perhaps correctly as Eoin later admitted ‘Fair enough like, I did kick him in the head.’ Fredrick, who had up until this point been as active as a Vietnamese security guard, guessed the right way and saved the Mike Owen-esque penalty.

We went in 1-0 up at the break.

Coach Pat’s team talk consisted of telling us, ‘Honestly the first half was pretty boring.’ The second half was definitely not boring…

Chi arrived at half time and instantly made an impact on the right wing, terrorising their left back. Aaron was on the end of a great cross to finish for another debut goal. The Raiders were controlling the game much better 2nd half as Jeroen, Craig and Jon moved the ball around the midfield. Michael then added a 3rd when put through by Chi. Some might say he should’ve passed but he decided to put his foot through it and smashed a thunder bastard of a shot past the keeper to add his second.

At this point the ref had seen enough and inspired by tales of Ho Chi Minh achieving victory against the odds began to give free kicks seemingly at random. Infuriated by his countryman’s decision to play for the white man and sport the haircut of a woman the Spitfires hatchet man decided he’d seen enough of Bao and flying kicked him while the ball was 5m in the air. Even old leather face had no choice but to show a red.

From this point on the game became a farce. Jon Hoff began a 5 minute nigglathon during which he gave away 23 free kicks for the same offence (his trade mark leg in with a side order of hip thrust). When Craig mentioned maybe cancelling the side order of hip he was told in no uncertain terms to sexually reproduce with himself. As the screams of dying Vietnamese players filled the air triggering a Pavlovian whistle response from the Ref, it took on Monty Python levels of parody. As Olly approached their striker on the edge of the box he fell to the floor screaming with Olly standing a foot away bemused. Cue bursts of laugher from his own subs bench and the now gathering crowd. But sure enough like day follows night, old leather face blew for a foul.

At this point most people had had enough. Craig took a wild swing and managed to get his foot higher than it’s ever been before in right front of their subs bench. The ref blew for a foul and he lost it, screaming an insinuation that their entire team were sodomites. Then remembering he now knew it in Vietnamese added the translation. Hatchet man wasn’t happy. He began a General Giap style bombardment of boots, balls and shirts at Craig which were luckily as accurate as Harry Kane Wayne Rooney. Not willing to see his mate hit with a United shirt Jon rushed over and a melee ensued during which Jon was spat on, Rasul was called Vietnamese and Luke walked off ashamed. Once it had calmed down the referee made his only decent call of the match and abandoned the game.

Overall we actually played some nice football in between the fouls. We passed the ball around well and everyone kept their shape. Needless to say despite the tone of this report we need to control ourselves much better when facing the Vietnamese teams in the league. Demons we thought we had begun to banish raised their ugly heads again at the injustice dished out in the second half.

Luckily Old Leather Face isn’t a league referee. Add another local team to the shit list Mr Hung.