The pre-game warm up was probably performed in a focused and diligent manner by a good three or four of the Raiders squad. The majority were feeling a little ropey from a Saturday night of debauchery. A couple were definitely still under the influence of something or other. While one wee chap was still sound asleep.

After 15 minutes of running followed by lumping a ball around a bit, the original quartet of focused fellas was probably raring to go. Those that were feeling ropey were sweating profusely and subsequently on the side lines chinning water as if were double JD and coke from the night before.

The couple that were even worse for wear were most likely sat down recuperating cos the running around wasn’t sobering them up and they had succumbed to the fact that they were gonna be playing the first half still drunk. Last but not least in those 15 minutes the boy who was sound asleep had risen, got himself a banh mi, a coke, a 7up, a snickers and one of those utterly pointless isotonic drinks because ya know you can never have too much sugar before a big game, and was subsequently driving through d4.

Wasn’t there for the beginning so here is what I imagine happened. The game started at lightning speed. The post was stuck 4 times in the first 20 minutes. Harry somehow ballooned one over from a yard out. Poor lad hasn’t scored for Raiders yet and Pat decided to put him up front. God only knows why. After that shocking miss, reminiscent of Kanu back in 04-05, it seems it’ll be a while before he bags.

Then apparently one of the still inebriated lads popped up and smashed a 30 yard volley into the top right hand corner. “Reminiscent of Scholesey’s wonder strike from a corner”, someone (the man himself) told me. Then again I wasn’t there and, judging by his finishing the week before (and recent trainings), the chances of him hitting a cow’s backside with a banjo are low, let alone scoring. So he was probably lying. As I didn’t see it and judging by our atrocious finishing all game, I’m gonna say it was an OG. Raider’s offence 1, Hotshots De-Fence 0.

The tool that had overslept arrived pitch side. Half-time.

Not gonna lie, I can remember as much about the second half as I can the first. The big, bruising, beautifully formed, Mickey Stanbrook got his shiny slap head on a peach of a corner. 2-0. They scored, 2-1. Another worldy if I remember correctly. Nothing the defence could do which is testament to the lads cos they all had storming games.

The players whom were still feeling ropey had finally sobered up and had a new lease of life. Those that were inebriated, were still inebriated, and were all having shockers. Except that fella that scored a worldy. Still no confirmation that it was though, so he probably had a stinker like the rest of us.

We should have scored more. One-on-ones were missed and simple through balls were declined in favour of running alone. Then again no one was sat around crying on the football pitch, which made for a nice change from the week before. We held on. Scrappy game.

Safe to say we were better than Arsenal that evening though. They were atrocious. What an embarrassment. I’d hate to be an Arsenal fan; they’re actually relying on Danny Welbeck to try win them the prem.

I digress, not sure who got man of the match (I was having a shower). Think it was someone in defence as they were all class. I remember Pat rambling on about Rich being particularly good though so it was probably him. [It was Olly – Ed].

Ps. Re: The team photo afterwards. Olly (you were my man of the match by the way mate) could you please ask your missus to put it on FB. I (and I speak for all the singletons in the team) wanna get a load of likes, cos then some fitties might recognise us down Lush and that, and I might get some decent clunge on one of my Saturday nights out like. Cheers mate.

Written by Tam Kitgrave.